0
0
When you think of John Wick you probably don’t think of slasher films. But Wick has single handedly killed nearly three hundred folks across a mere three films. That’s around double the amount Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers have. Put together.
Still, as Harry in True Lies puts it, “Yeah….but they were all bad.” Let’s say they were hunting you, however. Who would you be more scared of? A slasher icon or the Baba Yaga himself? Do we need to add “Don’t kill dogs or steal cars” to Randy’s Scream rules of surviving a horror movie? Wick’s victims, well, they all live in their own personal horror movies.
Let’s have a look at the top five gnarliest John Wick kills, so far…
“Sorry, your face looked like a pencil sharpener”— John Wick 2
In the first John Wick, Viggo (Michael Nyqvist) tells his son “I once saw him kill three men in a bar….with a pencil. A fucking pencil.” The line is echoed in the John Wick 2 opening when Abram (Peter Stormare) tells the same story followed up with the hilarious, “Who the fuck can do that?” Finally, in the best bit of violent fan service one can ask for, John Wick 2 shows instead of tells. Amidst the scene where everyone and their mothers are hitmen just hanging out on the street like Jay and Silent Bob, Wick gives us a recreation of the infamous pencil murders.
As Wick struggles by, two men eating at what looks like a neon IKEA street cafeteria attack him. He grabs a pencil meant for the dinner tab off the shelf and stabs one man directly in the throat as the other man grabs him from behind. Wick grabs a second pencil and stabs suitor number two in the hand and lower right side. But what comes next might be hard to hear. He slams the man’s head down on the counter and stabs the pencil into his EARHOLE. Then for good measure shoves it deeper with both hands. OUCH.
“Tainted Love” — John Wick 2
This one is a very simple, fast and extremely hateful kill that takes place almost immediately after the aforementioned pencil incident. This one definitely takes the pain cake.
A random hitman is firing upon John in the subway when he drops to one knee behind him. From behind, Wick reaches between this man’s legs and stabs him in the crotch. We’re not done. He then (while the knife is still deep up in there) pulls the knife back towards himself swiftly ripping the man from groin to….well you know. All the way through the magical rainbow bridge. And not the one from the Thor movies. I’m not walking right just thinking about it.
“Eye Can’t Believe You’ve Done This” — John Wick 3
John Wick 3 was tasked with somehow upping the action and death sequences and keeping them fresh. While you can certainly argue the quality of these sequences, it’s a task the filmmaking team accomplished. One scene in particular is an insane knife fight culminating in one of the most slasher-inspired moments of the franchise.
Wick takes one assailant down by sticking a knife directly down the top of his head Steven Seagal Under Siege style. He then slap punches said knife down three more times. Forcing it so deep into his brain the guy was probably accessing memories of his own birth. What comes next would make even Jason Voorhees himself cringe. Wick slowly shoves a knife bit by bit into the next guy’s eyeball. Now, we’ve seen people stabbed in the eye in horror flicks a hundred times. But we’ve seldom seen a slow eyeball stabbing quite like this before. It stings the soul.
“Two Wheels, One Arm” — John Wick 3
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re in a motorcycle chase after someone and they pull out a samurai sword? They win. Go home and watch Full House reruns or whatever because you’re done for the day.
Wick, in the midst of this aforementioned samurai sword motorcycle massacre stabs the man chasing him via motorcycle in the abdomen with a samurai sword. He then slices his entire arm off at the shoulder. This poor bastard’s arm then falls into the spoke of the back wheel; this hilariously seizes the motorcycle, flips it backwards, and slams the unlucky guy head first and upside down into both the pavement and wheel of another moving motorcycle. This poor soul arguably died in the worst way possible during a samurai sword motorcycle accident and there are a lot of ways to die really badly from samurai sword motorcycle accidents.
“Everything’s Got a Price, Bitch” — John Wick
In some ways the kill of Iosef Tarasov (Alfie Allen) is the tamest of the film. He’s simply shot in the face mid-sentence while crying to John Wick that it was “Just a fucking dog!” The simplicity of his kill was purposeful, however. Most of Wick’s victims are killed and killed quickly, running face first towards him like idiots despite their own acknowledgement of his skills. Iosef’s death was slow and agonizing as he watched John hunt him down like he was Michael Myers. Iosef watched Wick mow down his entire security detail twice. Once in clear view of an entire nightclub of pedestrians. Albeit with very poor awareness skills. He was safe NOWHERE.
Iosef dies running away like a scared coward. Shot in the stomach and then forced to watch Wick walk up to him calmly and slowly. Again like Michael Myers (if only he knew how to dress nice). Iosef had to hear how scary John Wick was; had to see firsthand how scary he was; and then ultimately had to experience it for himself. Not to mention how satisfying it was to see him die after what he did to Wick’s dog. Matter of fact, I think there’s a bit of symbolism to how helpless Iosef was in that moment. Just like the poor little puppy he killed in the first act.
Honorable mentions go to “Four Headshots Under the Helmet and the Sea” in John Wick 3 (could you imagine the awful sensation of being shot in the head under water with your head squished in a motorcycle helmet?); “Double Horse Kick to the Face,” also in John Wick 3; and “Death by Book,” again in John Wick 3, when Wick beats the living hell out of NBA player Boban Marjanovic with a library book and ultimately uses it to snap his neck against a table.
What are some of your favorite John Wick kills up to this point? Sound off below!
John Wick: Chapter 4 arrives in theaters this weekend.
